Is Love a Choice??

          Currently, the news is focused on homosexual marriage and whether or not it should be legal. This seems like a pretty good time to discuss whether love is a choice or an involuntary emotion. How do you know? If it is a choice, how do you choose? If it’s not a choice, what do you do if you fall in love with someone you don’t want to be in love with?

          The first question (and really the only question) we must answer is whether or not love is a choice. . . The easiest and most simple answer is this; not at first. When you initially fall in love with someone, you have very little say in the matter. You fall, and you can’t help that. However, you do choose whether or not you enter into a relationship with them. If you do choose to build a relationship with them, you will have to choose to continue loving them.

          This sounds crazy, I know. But, the truth is, long term relationships are full of choices that will determine whether or not the fire of your love stays nice and not, or fizzles into smoke. Choices like forgiveness, understanding, acceptance, flexibility, kindness, etc. Choosing to forgive, to show support, to treat them kindly, are the choices we easily forget to make. We often become so consumed with our own needs and emotions, that we forget there is more at stake than an argument. When we hold resentment, aren’t kind to our partner, take them for granted, we are putting our relationships at risk. We are unknowingly choosing not to love them in the future. We love people not just because of whom and how they are to us, but also because of how we see them. IF you allow yourself to see your partner in a negative light it taints your loving view of them. Obviously you can’t control the choices they make and sometime you can’t help but have your love be tainted. Regular day to day things like leaving shoes by the couch, not rinsing a dish, or even big issues like cheating, are all cases where you have to choose to forgive and live, or end it all. If you want to stay with someone and accept all their many flaws (just as they must accept your many flaws) then you must choose to forgive even when it’s hard, choose to see the good in them even when you want to focus on the bad, choose to show them kindness and grace just as you want them to show you.

          So, to sum things up; we can’t choose how our heart feels but we can make choices that feed the flames in our heart or choices that smother the flames for good. This blog was a short one, but it’s direct and to the point.

          Love and its many choices, isn’t easy. . .

 

    I choose to continue loving you. . .

                           Carmen

Love or Longing?

          Have you ever watched a child eat ice cream? They want it so badly that they lose sight of everything else. They don’t care about the game they were just playing, their favorite toy, Dora, Nemo, or any other animated friend. All they care about is getting what they want; ice cream. It doesn’t matter to them if they get sticky, sick to their stomach, or too full . . . they are going to eat every last bite.

          Sometimes as adults, we act the same way; we want something and no matter how it makes us feel, how hard we struggle, no matter what the cost, we are determined to have it. When we want love, we will do anything to have love no matter what. So, we need to ask ourselves; is it love or longing?

          Are we really in love, or are we longing for love so much that we’ve told ourselves it must be love? Are we ignoring our full-aching tummies? Are we letting our faces get covered in sticky, messy, nastiness because we’re shoveling our faces with what we thought we wanted?

         
          It can be sooo hard to tell ourselves “No”, when we desperately want to say “Yes”.  . . having the foresight and strength to look to the future, can save us amazing amounts of heartbreak. We have to start being 100% honest with ourselves and not forcing a relationship simply because we want a relationship. We deserve ice cream and we deserve to enjoy every last bite . . .but forcing it, shoveling it down our gullets for fear that it might soon be gone, will only cause problems in the long run.

          So, remember to ask yourself; is it love, or longing?

 

                                                                                      Sincerely,

 

                                                                                      Carmen

Love gone bad?

I was reminded this week that love (as unstable as it may be) is a gift from God that we all deserve to enjoy. Love is a gift . . .

          What do you do when your love, your gift, is falling apart? We fight so hard, for so long, we search the universe, we pray and pray and pray. Yet, once we have love, we seem to always screw it up. This person that we couldn’t get enough of for the first few years, is now the person we hold the most resentment for.

          Life is hard and it there aren’t always easy solutions to the problems we face. We are by nature selfish, greedy, beings. Over a period of years, our selfishness, and the selfishness of our partner, can build resentment within us like a brick wall. Breaking down this wall can seem impossible. So the question is; what do you do when your love gift falls apart?

          Well, you can’t return it for in store credit so then what? Toss in the towel? Stay the same and spend your life in a loveless relationship just to avoid the hassle of a breakup, the fear of being alone, and the effort of trying to heal things? Ultimately the choice is up to you because you’re the only one that has to live your life and your relationship, but, here is my two cents. . .

1.    Take responsibility.

You are contributing to your relationship 50/50, so dig deep and figure out what you might be doing that could have caused or could be causing resentment in your partner’s heart. Are you snippy, demanding, mocking, condescending, needy, pushy? Without changing the good things about yourself, what have you been doing that could be hurting or pushing away your [partner?

 

2.    Make a change.

If you know for certain that there is something you could do to be more supportive, loving, giving, thoughtful, then do it! If you keep on doing the same old thing, you’re going to stay in the exact same place. Even if your change is suggesting counseling . . . change something, but start with you!

 

3.    Talk to your partner.

An open line of communication can make or break a relationship. Some of you are laughing thinking “Ya, right. An open line of communication. That’s funny!” I know that our partners (even we, ourselves) aren’t always in a place to talk calmly or rationally about our relationships. So, do your best in opening the gates to your partner’s heart. Remember; you have built a brick wall of resentment and so have they. It was built one brick at a time, and will come down one slow-tedious-brick at a time.

 

             As you look at these three points, you may be saying, “But I’ve done all that” or, “But what if it doesn’t work”. Well, the sad truth is that not all relationships can make it to the 50 year anniversary. Sometimes, it just isn’t right. When you commit to someone, you owe it to them and yourself, to give it your all; 100%. If you don’t, then you could be walking away from a love that could span the ages, and never know it . . . or worse, you may realize it too late. Don’t walk away from what could be the greatest gift, but don’t stick around if it isn’t. Give it a chance, a real chance, and if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work and no amount of years will change that.

          Good luck my lovely, loveable friends. And remember . . . you’re not alone!

                                                                                                                                                                                                 Carmen

Love. . True or False?

          It seems as though our entire lives revolve around the search for true love. From the time we are children . . . especially little girls . . . we dream about love. We fantasize about our dream man, dream wedding, dream house, and dream life. Everywhere we look we are being told how to find love and how keep love. But how do we know when it’s really love?

          Now days, everyone says I Love You. Even my thirteen year old son tells his girlfriend that he loves her and they see each other maybe once every two months, and only talk about once a week. They don’t love each other. . .they have virtually no relationship and are only thirteen! But, that is what we do now days. . .we say I Love You.

          The question posed to me recently is one of the most sought after answers in life; how do you know when love is true love?

          Most of us have had more than one relationship where we have said I Love You, then at some point the relationship ended. Looking back, we can see that while we may have had love for that person, we may not have been truly in love with them. It is definitely possible to fall in love with more than one person in your lifetime, but considering all the people we say the L word to, we cannot possibly be in love with all of them. So, how do you know when it’s real?

          Chew on this . . . the first two years (at a minimum) are the getting to know you years. This means that for the first two years, that bubbly feeling in the pit of your stomach, the pain you feel when you’re away from them, and the eagerness you feel to be with them again is not true love it is infatuation. Within these two years it is highly likely that you would feel love for this person, but could this love be the one true love you have spent your entire life looking for?

          Answer these simple questions:

1.    Have you been together long enough to be out of the infatuation stage? If you’re an established adult that may have already been married, this time will probably be shorter. If you’re under 35 or have never been in a relationship longer than five years or more, then the infatuation stage will still probably be about two years. Being past this phase is crucial in assessing the compatibility of a relationship.

2.    Do you have a similar lifestyle and goals? If you’re like me, you think opposites attract, and will somehow make for smooth sailing in love. Sure, opposites can be great, but you need to be compatible. The easiest way to find compatibility is to live a similar life and want similar things. Example: if you are an early riser that goes to bed at 9pm and wakes at 6am, but he is a night owl that stays up til 2am and gets up around noon, how compatible would be for a lifetime . . . FOREVER? You can’t expect someone to change, hope they’ll grow up, or even try to “save them” . . . it doesn’t work. Who they are now is who they are content to be . . . you can’t change them.

3.    How much do you really . . . I mean really . . . know about them? How do they handle a crisis? How do they take their tea, or is it coffee? How often do they clip their toe nails? How do they behave when they’re sick? How often do they get sick? These are questions only time can tell. How can you know if your love for someone is the one true and everlasting love if you don’t know them inside and out?

 

          The example I gave to the young lady who recently asked me how to know when love is true love is this; I love my friends including her, the girl asking the question. But, I have a deep and lifelong connection with my best friend. She knows me in a way that no one else ever will. We have history, years together. She has seen the worst of me and still loves me. We can say things to each other we could never say to anyone else. We can be ourselves in our worst and best forms and know that there is only love to be had from the other person. This is true love. Anything else is love, and is valid, but it isn’t the one true and everlasting love.

Ladies (and gents), I hope this helps you.

                                                                                      With Love,

                                                                                                Carmen

 

Please send me your questions and advice needs! I’m here for you.

Love Yo Mama

Hello Ladies. . .and some Gentlemen. . .and welcome to Advice From Yo Mama. Honestly, this was not my first choice for the name of my blog, but it says what it needs to. Please bear with me while I learn how to navigate the world of blogging, I promise it will get better!

My name is Carmen. . .or Mama Carmen as my blog name says . . .and I am here to help! Since childhood, I've heard my mother, aunts, grandmothers, friends, neighbors, teachers, and strangers, complain about relationships and men. Let's face it; the two go hand in hand. Men are crappy and so are relationships. It's soooo hard to find a good man, and even harder to keep one! There are t.v. shows, magazines, books, support groups, radio shows, and yes, even blogs, dedicated to nothing but relationships. Yet somehow, with all this "help" and "advice", we don't seem to be getting anywhere. Well, that's where I come in. I'm not some Harvard grad with my PH.D. in dating, I'm just a regular girl who's seem my fair share of bad relationships, and a little extra.

A few years ago God inspired me; He told me to write a book. A book about relationships with an honest, hard hitting, no sugar coating, look at how we are handling our relationships. I've researched, soul searched, and nearly pulled out all my hair writing this book. The only thing that was missing was a direct link to the people. I want help you. . .all of you. . .with your relationship woes. You're stuck with a guy and you're not sure if you should leave or give him another chance. . .ask Mama! You like a guy but can't figure out if he likes you and you don't want o waste your time. . . ask Mama! You're confused, hurt, fearful, lonely, in love, out of love. . . ask Mama! You are not alone! I am here to help and together, as a community of women, we will take back our relationships!
So, Love Yo Mama and let me HELP!